Comic Book Guy's 10 Best Quotes On The Simpsons – CBR – Comic Book Resources

Comic Book Guy has many witty lines and sarcastic quotes while interacting with the Simpsons and the other Springfield residents.
The Simpsons is one of TV's longest sitcoms. The animated show is adored all around the world, and over the years, certain side characters have stood out for their humorous personality. A fan favorite is Comic Book Guy, also known as Jeffery Albertson, who famously owns and operates Springfield's comic book store, The Android's Dungeon & Baseball Card Shop.
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The character has an obsession with comics, action figures, and everything sci-fi. He has a sarcastic manner and a high level of intellect, which he exhibits every time he's on screen. Some of his quotes are funny, while others are clever statements that define his personality. However, only a few of his classic lines are noteworthy.
"Marge Be Not Proud" is one of the best Christmas episodes of The Simpsons. Like most young boys in Springfield, Bart wants to get his hands on the latest fighting game, Bonestorm. However, because of its high price tag, Marge denies his wish. So, he inquires in The Android Dungeon after seeing the game advertised for 99 cents.
Comic Book Guy explains that if that were the real price, he would make a profit of negative $59. He then sarcastically says, "oh, please take my $59. I don't want it, it's yours." However, before Bart can reach the cash, the sardonic shop owner spells it out for him. He says, "seeing as we are unfamiliar with sarcasm, I shall close the cash register at this point." While his attempts at humor are wasted on Bart, the irony has viewers laughing.
In Treehouse Of Horror VIII's first segment, France starts a war with the US. After Mayor Quimby accidentally offends the country, a missile directly hits Springfield. It collides with Comic Book Guy as he's walking down the street eating a hot dog and reading a comic.
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As Comic Book Guy is minding his own business, he mutters, "But Aquaman, you cannot marry a woman without gills. You're from two different worlds." He then looks up at the oncoming war and regrettably says, "Oh, I've wasted my life." Although the narrative is non-canon, he still spent his time doing what he enjoys the most.
Season 9's "Das Bus" follows Springfield Elementary students while they're on a field trip. The episode is a parody of Lord Of The Flies. However, back in Springfield, Homer starts an internet company after hearing of Flanders' online business.
When Comic Book Guy is surfing the web looking at models, an advert pops up while he's waiting for an image to load. Homer's business, "The Internet King," claims to be fast and cheap, and Comic Book Guy then states, "Ah, the internet king. I wonder if he can provide faster nudity." It's one of his funniest quotes, as it perfectly displays his sarcastic personality.
Although The Simpsons Movie is technically not part of the TV series, it's still a part of the franchise, and most of the Springfield residents make an appearance. When the town is set to be destroyed, everyone spends time reflecting on their life.
Comic Book Guy is in his store taking one last look at his collection of baseball cards and important comics. In such a sad moment, audiences expect him to regret certain decisions or missed opportunities. Instead, however, he almost celebrates and exclaims, "life well spent!"
In the episode "The Computer Wore Menace Shoes," Homer becomes an internet sensation. He posts rumors about residents on his website and calls himself Mr. X. His posts get a lot of attention and Comic Book Guy stumbles across a story that's titled "Quimby's Dirty Pool."
The written entertainment accuses Mayor Quimby of stealing money after he allegedly used pothole funds to build a private swimming pool. As Comic Book Guy reads on, he struggles to share his opinion and says, "there's no emoticon for what I'm feeling!" He feels angry and frustrated, but he can't find the right words or emojis to express himself.
In "They Saved Lisa's Brain," Lisa is accepted into Mensa. Also in the high-IQ society are Dr. Hibbert, Professor Frink, and Comic Book Guy. After the Mayor skips town, the group is left in charge of Springfield.
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Most of their ideas are beneficial for the town, but there are some disagreements as they delve further into their governance. As Frink produces one of his greatest inventions for the occasion, Comic Book Guy acknowledges it with, "Oh, a sarcasm detector. Oh, that's a real useful invention." After resorting to his old ironic ways, the device hilariously overloads and explodes.
Lisa and Bart obtain superpowers in a weird episode of The Simpsons. In Treehouse Of Horror X, the siblings call themselves Stretch Dude and Clobber Girl. Comic Book Guy is the local bad guy, aka The Collector. He kidnaps famous actors who play iconic superheroes, and audiences witness him steal Xena.
A brawl breaks out in The Collector's evil lair and Strech Dude and Clobber Girl are unconscious. However, as Xena tries to escape, she knocks him into a tub of lucite. Hilariously, Comic Book Guy then exclaims, "Lucite… hardening. Must… end life in classic Lorne Greene pose… from Battlestar Galactica. Best. Death. Ever."
"The Homer They Fall" focuses on Homer as he becomes a professional boxer, which is one of his best jobs. However, as the episode begins, the Simpsons family is in the mall where Comic Book Guy is trying to return an "ultimate belt" without a receipt.
Bart witnesses Comic Book Guy's misfortune and offers to take the utility belt off Jeff's hands for $4. Comic Book Guy reluctantly accepts. After being ridiculed by the cashier, he concludes, "I must return to my comic book store where I dispense the insults rather than absorb them."
In "Mayored To The Mob," the Simpsons family goes to a science fiction convention. Several people wearing costumes from popular sci-fi projects gather at the event to marvel at the wonders of space, technology, and fictional icons. Of course, Comic Book Guy is in his element. He is seen rearranging Spider-Man comics on his stall before a lady approaches him.
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After she inquires about selling her collection, Comic Book Guy makes a move and asks, "Tell me, how do you feel about 45-year-old virgins who still live with their parents?" It's not the best chat-up line, but she seemed interested. However, the flirting is quickly cut short when Comic Book Guy gets defensive.
In "My Sister, My Sitter," Lisa starts a babysitting business. When Homer and Marge have a night out, she is left in charge of her siblings. This leads to arguments between Bart and Lisa, and the spiky-haired protagonist falls down the stairs. This leaves him with a dislocated shoulder and a bump on the head.
Bart soon becomes unconscious and Lisa tries to save her responsible reputation by taking her brother to Dr. Nick's Walk-In Clinic where many Springfield residents are waiting. Comic Book Guy is in the wheelbarrow queue when he states one of his classic lines, "Oh, loneliness and cheeseburgers are a dangerous mix." As funny as it may be, he's realizing that his isolated lifestyle is taking a toll on his body.
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Benny Clewes is an avid gamer, cartoon fanatic, and music enthusiast. Benny’s preferred games are AAA releases, immersive RPGs, and quirky indies. He can also play the congas and spin records. As well as his love for music and games, he has a passion for technology, travel, and culture. Benny’s blog includes articles he has written on his favorite topics, Box Office, Beats & Button Bashing. You can reach him at with any questions or queries!


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